The Way You Meet a Man: Why It Matters - part one

[Trinity from Zion]

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You Meet You Meet a Man: Why It Matters

With so much energy focused on meeting the love of your life, not a lot of attention is paid to the way you hook up. If you meet at the office or through friends or online dating, does it make a difference? Does it affect the odds you'll stay together? According to any number of relationship experts, how you meet does make a difference, and it can definitely influence your odds of staying together. Here, you'll learn the best ways to find your match. But first, meet three couples who met in drastically different ways (from the ordinary to the offbeat) and discover why it worked for them.

Genna and Danny: Blind Date Duo

The encounter
Two minutes after Max met Genna in March 2003, he announced, "I have got to fix you up with my fraternity brother Danny." Max was the new boyfriend of Genna's friend Allyson. Immediately, Allyson seconded the motion: "My God, why didn't I think of that? They're so much alike. The two of them would be perfect for each other."

A dinner party was arranged at Max's house, the two were introduced and voila! A love connection was made. Genna, director of corporate communications for a toy company in Los Angeles, says, "Max and Allyson both feel -- and Danny and I agree -- that we owe them forever."

The outcome
Genna strongly believes that the way she and her fiance met was the key to their success. "Being fixed up, immediately there is more investment than had we met, say, at a bar or online. People who know you and care about you have selected a potential soul mate." The couple, both 31, made it a point not to email or IM one another for several months. "We thought keeping our communication face-to-face or phone-line-to-phone-line would keep things more personal," says Genna.

The potential hurdle to meeting through friends, of course, is that those well-meaning pals could have gotten too involved in the budding relationship. That's why Genna and Danny didn't use their buddies -- not even once -- as go-betweens. "Danny asked me out the first night. I was really impressed that he didn't wait to get the scoop from Max the day after the dinner party, but went for it," says Genna. "Max and Allyson have worked hard not to put too much pressure on us. They were like gentle cheerleaders, quietly inquiring how things were going."

And things are going just fine, thank you. The pair got engaged in December 2004. Guess who will be honored guests at their wedding.

The analysis
A lot of the magic here was created by Max and Allyson's laissez-faire approach to Genna and Danny's budding relationship. Once they were fixed up, Genna and Danny made a point not to get their matchmaker friends involved in their romance. And according to psychotherapist Tina Tessina, PhD, coauthor of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free, their idea to ditch electronic correspondence early on was also an important factor. Since they already knew there was an attraction, sticking to talking on the phone and in person gave them a chance to develop what Tessina calls the "infrastructure" of a relationship: a communication style and process. She feels this was especially important for these two because they didn't want to disappoint their pals.

Sarah and Jon: From Rejection to Affection

The encounter
Sarah turned down Jon's offer to be an account manager on the team he headed up at a public relations firm in New York. She left a message on his voice mail thanking him for the opportunity, adding, "I'm sure I would have learned a lot from you." Jon found her kindness touching. "Who thanks you after they reject you? It was so thoughtful." He says he didn't have romance on the brain when the then-24-year-old Sarah first walked into his office. "Yes, I did think she was attractive," Jon admits, "but my only motive in talking to her was filling the job. And she was the best qualified, so I offered it to her."

A week later, Jon was still thinking about Sarah. He ****ed up the phone, and proceeded to engage her in 10 minutes of awkward small talk. "I felt her thinking, 'Okay, what's he up to?'" says Jon. He asked her out. The two had their first date on December 30, 1999. They're now married and expecting their first child.

The outcome
In some ways, job interviews are similar to first dates: Each person is trying to impress the other by listing his or her positive qualities. By the time Jon and Sarah went on a date, Jon was already impressed. "Her placing that thank-you call [for the job offer] was much more impressive than, say, a blind date thanking me for dinner," he says. "She didn't have to do it."

They were essentially strangers, yet in some senses, each knew much more about the other than if it were a typical first date. Jon, now 35, explains, "We already knew what was important to the other person -- that we were both competitive, enjoyed verbal interplay and thought resume writing was an art."

After a few weeks of dating, Sarah and Jon were a lot closer than would have been possible had she accepted the job. Jon says, "We had seen each other's true colors from the beginning and liked what we saw -- a lot." And at their 2001 wedding, the best man's toast included Jon's postinterview evaluation of Sarah. Need we say it was positive?

The analysis
For Tessina, the key factor here is that something obviously clicked for this couple during the interview process, whether they recognized it or not. Since they met in a work setting, they were able to focus on each other in a way that went beyond appearances, which is something that isn't always easy to do during the dating process. However, in order to maintain a level of professionalism, neither could act on their attraction until the job was refused. Says Tessina, "Sarah's follow-up message was just the opportunity he needed to call her back and make the relationship personal."

[Trinity from Zion]

Heather and Ryan: From a Car Crash to Life Companionship

The encounter
Ryan and Heather were teenagers on the wintry evening in 1991 that changed their lives forever. They attended the same high school in Des Moines, but they barely knew one another. Ryan was two grades ahead, and both were dating other people.

On a fateful night, they were passengers in separate cars (Heather was with her boyfriend) when the two cars collided. Heather, now 29, recalls, "The cars were totaled, but luckily, no one was hurt. So while [the drivers] exchanged insurance information and waited for the police to arrive, Ryan and I sat on the curb, huddled under a blanket, talking."

Ryan says, "Being in an accident is a visceral experience. It gets your blood pumping. There was a connection formed between us that day that never left." He laughs, adding, "A car crash is a venue for moving past 'how's the weather' small talk right away!"

The outcome
While the two didn't officially begin dating until 1995, they made an effort to keep in touch from the accident on -- not so simple since they attended different colleges. The reason for the continued communication? They both sensed a future together and also, wisely, that their ultimate love connection would be stronger if they had the freedom to date other people and experience life before taking any big steps.

Says Ryan, "The core of who Heather is became obvious to me as we sat shivering on that curb. In a crisis situation, you really see what someone is made of. For instance, she had infinite patience, which has manifested itself in her becoming a special-ed teacher."

Heather was attracted to the fact that she and Ryan shared similar backgrounds -- for example, that they're both youngest siblings. "Without the accident, we'd never have taken the time to know one another. We had different friends and not one class together."

They say there are no accidents, but this one brought Heather and Ryan together -- a bond cemented when they wed in 1997.

The analysis
According to Tessina, it's pretty easy to begin bonding at the scene of a disaster. The people involved are vulnerable, in need of comfort and grateful to have someone who understands. However, when the shock and urgency wear off, the bond may not be enough to lead to a relationship. What made the difference for this couple, says Tessina, is that they kept in touch for years and developed a more solid bond based on their inner selves rather than the external event. People who meet this way are often motivated to explore the possibility of a long-term relationship because they feel that the "hand of God" (or fate) put them together.

How You Meet Can Help You Marry

The way a couple meets can definitely affect their relationship. Here are tips aimed at making sure how you get together helps you stay together:

* Online dating: According to Adele Testani, president and cofounder of HurryDate, "Online dating is a great way to find lots of people looking for the same thing you are. It also allows you to quickly weed out people you know are not right for you based on religion, values or whatever is important to you." But she suggests you move offline as soon as possible. "There's nothing like a face-to-face conversation complete with smiles and cute nose wrinkles to get to know someone," she notes.


* A vacation connection: "You're more likely to attract people when you're not in your workday mode," says April Masini, relationship expert and author of Date Out of Your League." On vacation, your daily worries are miles away, and you're your fun self." That means you're likely to attract lively men who are happy to offer you a piandtilde;na colada or two (or 10). These men may or may not be the nose-to-the-grindstone, suit-and-briefcase types, which may or may not matter to you. So have a great time -- just realize you won't know if vacation love will last on your home turf until the guy's slipped out of his bathing suit and into something less comfortable.


* An office romance: This venue for finding someone merits a very cautious approval. "It depends on the job," says Testani. "If you work at a large company and meet someone you don't have daily interactions with, you can discreetly explore a relationship." But keep the personal and professional separate. You don't want to be fodder for water-cooler gossip.


* A house-of-worship meeting: While there's never a guarantee that you'll make it long-term, a couple that meets at a church, synagogue or other place of worship likely shares the same values. Masini points out, "It also means there is a strong possibility your families will be compatible, and that can definitely make life easier!"


And the rest is happy history.